first stage of sadness : denial

i was just watching a movie titled, " The Bucket List " and then one of them told to the other one "You are in the stage one."

"What stage one you mean?"

"The first stage of denial."

"Denial, anger, bargaining, dpression and acceptance. Denial."

" Yeah."

And now I am in that stage. The first stage of sadness a.k.a the first stage of grief. But really, it's not cause i lost something but because I'm denying love.

I am denying the love that i have and iit is a long way to the fifth stage, acceptance. i am trying so hard to avoid that stage.

I am avoiding to accept that love.

just tryna have fun :)

being at the school is only one boring day but having a computer lesson is one fun thig to do!

why?

finish the task as fast as you can and then just surf the net and paly dinerdash,burger island,sally's, supermarket mania,

unfortunately, twiiter is prohibited.

but, speaking of twitter,just follow me @siscaspencer

so,gonna end the blogging before the teacher caught me!

long live HIGH SCHOOL :)

my little spot

around January, I was shocked by a Calling Letter for parents.

Yeah. My school gave it to me.

I knew what's happening. It's about the controversial picture and also some harsh(they said) comments.

Cause it was in my album, so i also gave a notice about that.

so,here it is.

I got a picture of a friend tagged in facebook, then he say something bad like, it sucks.

and then, an annoying junior (2 level lower than us) just yapped around and said, don't say sucks. i know your father's sucks but don't say it here. although your father's sucks.

and, around a week before it, my homeroom teacher just gave us a warn not to mock parents.

then after bal bla bla, some of us, from my class, were called to the counseling room and they want to call my parents cause i said, butt, your IQ is too low, also slap. so, they called my momma. thank God she understand the matter and only told me to talk better in facebook.

from that time, i know i don't have place to show what i feel. then, i focused on twitter, and now my relatives also my junior adding me so they knew what i said. then i don't know where is my spot where i could tell what i felt without the one who knows me knew. then i remember my blog. and here i am with lots of story :D

FYI, i love my blog :)

i can say anything i want and they won't know.

well, actually i post the address but, i think they don't care.hahaha!

idk

it's like living in the world with a mask on.

Adapt!

that's what they say. but i just can't get it. yeha, we are adapting. but for that 'scenes' only. what happen if the 'scene' changes? something would happen. what is that? a different thing! people called it hypocracy. but whether they realized it or not, they're doing it too. so which one is right??

AAAAAAAAAAAAA

I DON'T KNOW!

photoshoot ;)

me and marsha :) I'm the one with orange bandanna!

me and my two best friends did a photo shoot. here's the results. i think it's cool :)

it's not all cause the rest of it are still in jessica's camera. haha.but enjoy everybody!leave comments.

behind the scenes everybody!

i have a superwoman friend. look at our body size difference!
taken in the park bench near marsha's house :)
me,marsha(camera face),and jessica,a moment before we start the second photo session :)

it's my pic taken by marsha. but seriously, i look so fat here :(this one taken by jessica.it's me with marsha.
me and jessica.
jessica said this is so cool and pretty but whaddaya think?it's me of course!
The three of us :)

lifechanging decision

yeah i know that changing your blog name isnm't a lifechanging decision. maybe when i reached age 20 (Ugh.can't imagine being old :( ) i'll change the name again

but just for you to know, i did this for you to know that i;m still a teenager and i;m pround of it.

by the way, two ambition that i have now, work in a publishing company and i hope i can be editor in chief ( is editor in chief works in publishing company?book publisher i mean), and i want to be a chef. so choose one. i can't . i love both of them. well, i don't know. my mom said, you should get your bachelor degree. i want my children to have 'tails' in their name like phd etc. so, what should i pursue?

HELP ME! ADVICE NEEDED HERE!

la vie

life isn't about me only life isn't about me and you only but it's about all of us.

it is so freakin complicated.

full of problems.

full of pain and sorrow.

i guess life is not about smiling everyday but smiling after or before crying.

living a life is like going on a highway with a high speed. you could look back and see what you left or look forward and realized that you are getting closer.

yeah. getting closer. but for me, i don't know what thing get closer to me. my aim that's clear to me is only to have a good and happy family. make a better family than me. make sure that my children won't undergo what i've been through since i'm in my mama's womb. i will make sure that my child's tree's don't have a big and dark hole also scars.

my aim for now is only one: build a better family.

immature creature.

i'm pissed.

he really drives me crazy.

not because love, but because of hatred.

oops. not hatred. i did not hate him. i only dislike that boy.

a boy that never ever grow.

not peter pan.

well, they seems to have something alike.

they are on active, no too active boy.

this boy is so full of energy. his energy will be more than usual when he pisses someone off. one annoying guy. they said, annoying boy sometimes have a good side too. well,his good side sometimes appear but it's like an astronomical events. occur every longggg period.

he is one lunatic racist.

" I can see angels go down from heaven and camp around us"

that's what everyone says when he's absent. even his bestfriend. seriously.

i sit behind him and he stretch his arm to the back. the last one, almost smacked my face.only a few centimetres away. yeah. what the hell.

fellas, one more thing, because of what he's been doing to me, my friends, his friends always tell we'd be a couple. but that won't turn into reality. Let me tell you why.

First, he is my best best friend's ex-boyfriend.

thre's no way i'm gonna go out with him. my friend told me that it will be okay cause i deserve to be happy too, but i said, no i won't cause i know deep inside my bf's heart, she still loves him. even if i fall for him, i won't say a thing. i will ease it!

Second, he got a crush already!

even before he dated my bf, he fall for this girl until now. it has beena long journey for their lve and it's not easy to ease that kind of love.

Third, he hurt me badly.

he call me names, he insult my skn colour and he called me negro (no offense everybody) and it left a scar in my heart. so it is impossible. just so damn impossible. get it?

i got three reasons start with "he and then bla bla bla" so, the problem is with him!

and i dislike that guy.

an immature selfish racist.

back...again...

hey i'm back to blog again to tell you more about my life.

lately, the love love things really bother me. first, my classmate said that maybe i;m in love with the guy that always annoys me in our class. And some of his fellas said he's into me. But, seriously, annoying your 'target' really not high school's seducing style.

Second, I told my best friend (a girl ofcourse) that i think, having an arranged realationship is okay for me. because it wont be bothering for me to find the love and hope and wait for him to make a move. And suddenly, my annoying brother's pal told me that he wants to introduce me to his brother. And he kinda 'bribe' me with crocs which may be cheap in your place but in my place it worth around Rp 450.000,- or around 45 bucks. His brother seems okay (more than okay actually.) we got the same hobby ( i guess) he likes to read books also novel and from what i heard, i think he is the same like me. We are both a silent little bro and sis from an outgoing brother. Well, it has been around a month since the brother told me he wants to introduce that prince charing who i never met until now. Actually, 2 or i-don't-know weeks ago, when i got home, my mom surprised me with a news. She said, the big bro gonna take me to a mall together with his bro and big bro's fiancee. and all of those sweats and the i-don't know-what to-do smiles came! She said the plan was, going to one famous mall in the weekend. but until the night before the day when the angels will came down and bring my sanity, no one told me a thing. not even the big bro and my own brother. GUESS WHAT?it's just a freakin lie

THAT PISSED ME OFF.

third, my mom's best friend's child got married and we went to the reception last night. All of my mom's friend, even the groom ( i swear!) said," OH! Sisca, you are so big already!" and the other thing that pisses me off again, almost all of em asked me, where is your boyfriend? I said," I don't have one." guess what did they answered, one same line that i hate,"You are lying." WHAT? I SWEAR TO GOD, I CROSS MY HEART I DIDN'T CROSS MY FINGER,I'M NOT LYING! and what did i say? i only smiled.ha-ha.

just great how love ruled my world.ha-ha.

missing.

Missing not lost.
But lost of a person's touch.lost of a person's kiss.lost of a person's love.
I kinda missing it somehow.
It took so long for me to find love.

Though I wrote all of this lovey dovey things.
Just what I wrote.
I'm too far to join the clan.

unwanted.

Call me the unwanted girl.

call me out of my mind.

I'm really out of my mind.
Maybe sooner or later I'll be the Isabella Swan that is an adrenaline junkies and jumped from the cliff.but there will be no Jacob Black who will drag me out of the water.cause I have no one to rescue me.I'm only of those ordinary girls who think they got the worst life from all.I'm only one of those girls who seek love but never been able to find one.
Or,call it we found it.we thought we found it but we didn't .we thought it will be as beautifull as those love story in love songs.but the real love is painful.
That's what Shakespeare tried to tell us. Even the well-known couple, Romeo and Juliet died for nothing. Love is painful.but we somehow like it,even addicted to it.
Just like those 'drugs'. It is painful and harmful. But if we knew them,we'll be dragged and addicted to it.and I'm addicted to the aadditive love.it's just,I don't have someone to love.even the one who steal my kiss in my dream can't be found. the possibility is 2 to 1500. How? Cause he is Taylor Lautner. And he's in holliwood and hi,I'm in jakarta thousand miles away.call me out of my mind for loving him.but how can I not loved him if he was the boy who kiss me so gentle and so sweet in my dream but felt so so so so real?!
Me myself can feel the texture of his lips.can feel the wetness of his lips and can even reply his kiss.so warm and make me melt every time I think of him.I can't even feel my legs and have to move it to make sure it is there.


I'm really out of my mind to think that I could drag that kiss to the reality world.

Cause the magic for love exist in love story and love songs ONLY.
How can I make it real if the possibilities is 2 to 1500? The. Number maybe not fammiliar for every possibilities.but I'm trying not to make my heart tore apart more than knowing I have no one to love.

I really am out of rational mind to think I'll take him to my arms and making the kissing things real.but I hope the 2 will give me a chance.cause I don't know who I should love.they said love is blind,but bi said,not loving somebody is making you yourself blind you can't see anything when the emptiness strike you.

No matter how I try to put those big smile whenb looking at those descendant of Adam, I can't lie to myself telling I'm going to be loved and loved.
Cause I am so far from it. Too far to join the lovey dovey clan.

fifteen.

Geeez. I'm in love with Swift's song.fifteen.as I am fifteen now,my besties told me to listen to this ong.it's so us she saidz. I listen to it and I looked at the lyris and, omigod.this is so me and I really hope I'm not Abigail.

It's amazing how she pur it into song.she mean it and everything she sang in that song refers to fifteen girls like me.how we believe everyone who tell us they love us.how we waited for a senior to wink at us and tell us lots of things.and how first kiss (despite the fact I never ever kissed) makes our head spin and dancing in our room.also,how we never know what the bigger things we can do rather than hooking someone from the football or basketball team.it is so real I almost cry!!

I'm enjoying my fifteen year.ooops sorry.still fourteen.waiting for 27th december to come and give me aging day.sooner or later I'll be one of those women who queue for an anti-aging product that cost a world.with lots of advantage blablabla. Will be busy going to beauty salon to dye up my hair cause the white thing appeared too much and gotta try so hard so my children and beloved husband won't neglect me.
But,for now,who cares?


I'M FIFTEEN!