first stage of sadness : denial

i was just watching a movie titled, " The Bucket List " and then one of them told to the other one "You are in the stage one."

"What stage one you mean?"

"The first stage of denial."

"Denial, anger, bargaining, dpression and acceptance. Denial."

" Yeah."

And now I am in that stage. The first stage of sadness a.k.a the first stage of grief. But really, it's not cause i lost something but because I'm denying love.

I am denying the love that i have and iit is a long way to the fifth stage, acceptance. i am trying so hard to avoid that stage.

I am avoiding to accept that love.

enemy to lovers

it's just like an urban legend enemies become lovers.

so lame i think.

if you fight a lot, they will say, you'll become lovers and hate and love are so close ya know.

bla bla bla ciap ciap ciap

not for me.

back...again...

hey i'm back to blog again to tell you more about my life.

lately, the love love things really bother me. first, my classmate said that maybe i;m in love with the guy that always annoys me in our class. And some of his fellas said he's into me. But, seriously, annoying your 'target' really not high school's seducing style.

Second, I told my best friend (a girl ofcourse) that i think, having an arranged realationship is okay for me. because it wont be bothering for me to find the love and hope and wait for him to make a move. And suddenly, my annoying brother's pal told me that he wants to introduce me to his brother. And he kinda 'bribe' me with crocs which may be cheap in your place but in my place it worth around Rp 450.000,- or around 45 bucks. His brother seems okay (more than okay actually.) we got the same hobby ( i guess) he likes to read books also novel and from what i heard, i think he is the same like me. We are both a silent little bro and sis from an outgoing brother. Well, it has been around a month since the brother told me he wants to introduce that prince charing who i never met until now. Actually, 2 or i-don't-know weeks ago, when i got home, my mom surprised me with a news. She said, the big bro gonna take me to a mall together with his bro and big bro's fiancee. and all of those sweats and the i-don't know-what to-do smiles came! She said the plan was, going to one famous mall in the weekend. but until the night before the day when the angels will came down and bring my sanity, no one told me a thing. not even the big bro and my own brother. GUESS WHAT?it's just a freakin lie

THAT PISSED ME OFF.

third, my mom's best friend's child got married and we went to the reception last night. All of my mom's friend, even the groom ( i swear!) said," OH! Sisca, you are so big already!" and the other thing that pisses me off again, almost all of em asked me, where is your boyfriend? I said," I don't have one." guess what did they answered, one same line that i hate,"You are lying." WHAT? I SWEAR TO GOD, I CROSS MY HEART I DIDN'T CROSS MY FINGER,I'M NOT LYING! and what did i say? i only smiled.ha-ha.

just great how love ruled my world.ha-ha.

missing.

Missing not lost.
But lost of a person's touch.lost of a person's kiss.lost of a person's love.
I kinda missing it somehow.
It took so long for me to find love.

Though I wrote all of this lovey dovey things.
Just what I wrote.
I'm too far to join the clan.

call me out of my mind.

I'm really out of my mind.
Maybe sooner or later I'll be the Isabella Swan that is an adrenaline junkies and jumped from the cliff.but there will be no Jacob Black who will drag me out of the water.cause I have no one to rescue me.I'm only of those ordinary girls who think they got the worst life from all.I'm only one of those girls who seek love but never been able to find one.
Or,call it we found it.we thought we found it but we didn't .we thought it will be as beautifull as those love story in love songs.but the real love is painful.
That's what Shakespeare tried to tell us. Even the well-known couple, Romeo and Juliet died for nothing. Love is painful.but we somehow like it,even addicted to it.
Just like those 'drugs'. It is painful and harmful. But if we knew them,we'll be dragged and addicted to it.and I'm addicted to the aadditive love.it's just,I don't have someone to love.even the one who steal my kiss in my dream can't be found. the possibility is 2 to 1500. How? Cause he is Taylor Lautner. And he's in holliwood and hi,I'm in jakarta thousand miles away.call me out of my mind for loving him.but how can I not loved him if he was the boy who kiss me so gentle and so sweet in my dream but felt so so so so real?!
Me myself can feel the texture of his lips.can feel the wetness of his lips and can even reply his kiss.so warm and make me melt every time I think of him.I can't even feel my legs and have to move it to make sure it is there.


I'm really out of my mind to think that I could drag that kiss to the reality world.

Cause the magic for love exist in love story and love songs ONLY.
How can I make it real if the possibilities is 2 to 1500? The. Number maybe not fammiliar for every possibilities.but I'm trying not to make my heart tore apart more than knowing I have no one to love.

I really am out of rational mind to think I'll take him to my arms and making the kissing things real.but I hope the 2 will give me a chance.cause I don't know who I should love.they said love is blind,but bi said,not loving somebody is making you yourself blind you can't see anything when the emptiness strike you.

No matter how I try to put those big smile whenb looking at those descendant of Adam, I can't lie to myself telling I'm going to be loved and loved.
Cause I am so far from it. Too far to join the lovey dovey clan.