sad night

have you ever feel like you cant sleep? laying awake, turning from side to side? hitting the bed with your feet? cant get your head off him?

have you ever felt like it's too much to handle? like there are too much love for your heart to handle? have you ever felt afraid of what people might say because you say you like him where he doesnt even remember youre alive? have you ever felt that sad for thinking of someone like mad when he doesnt even recall your name once a week?

have you ever thought of 1000000 scenarios that might happen between you and him but deep down you know it is as impossible as flying?

you worry every night, you wish he'll be fine. you wish he'll have a safe trip, great day and just wish you know where he is and when you know, you feel at ease. you feel proud when he does something good and the truth is,

you feel like he's everything and you are actually nothing for him.

sad eh?

between fright and foolishness

Here I go again, trying to deny my feelings.

My smile explains it.

My eyes shine it.

My lips curve it.

My tongue deny it.

There's a problem in me. To be specific, a big question mark. Why do I deny it all the time?

Maybe the answer is only one.

Afraid of losing.

There's a theory implemented in my head that by the time I start saying, "I like you", the whole temple that I built and protects my insecurity will just...fall apart.

I want him to know this.

I want him to realize it.

I want him to help me.

Help me to feel secure enough to admit it...

Maybe this is too early but I feel good around him.

Can it be counted as 'like'?

If not, I am innocent.

the thing about distance

There's a long line between my place, his place and her place.

There's a sweetness between us that is separated by oceans and lands.

If I could just live every single of my imagination to walk hand in hand with them, I think it will be fascinating and memorable.

Nothing's perfect.

Good friends are too far and I can't come right away to them to cry on their shoulder or joke then punch each other's arms between laughters.

I have lots of good friends around me too, but to have more good friends are just... insanely great.

If I could just hold their hands while I tell stories, it would mean the world.

But for now, I have to stick with typing to them.

All of these rants are just an elaboration of the three words, "I Miss You."

midnight cries.

cyber-world, praise yourself.

you are the first to know.

I can't sleep 'til midnight lately.

Maybe insomnia.

If couldn't sleep and couldn't stop crying is insomnia, then I am insomniac.

You see, worries and everything else dam up and were released in midnight.

But the worst of all is the fear of losing.

Mom has been through a lot of things that I doubt normal people is able to endure. In recent years, she suffers this unsettling pain in her bone. Tibia maybe.

She went to Singapore last week, did a full check-up and is waiting for its result with a fear of getting zarcoma. She is a philanthropist together with Dad and has helped a young girl with zarcoma. That just pitch another worry.

She shows no fear or worry but I feel it.

In midnight, I would look at her back or her snoring face and slowly sneaks out of the room and sob. Maybe the fear of losing her and not seeing her face, hearing her loud shrieking voices, eating foods together, missing her stout figure, just blindly killing me.

No matter how much we argue, if I lost her, big part of me would die.

She made me the way I am.

We joke, we fight, we shop, we eat, we sleep and we share everything together.

All I could do is to make her life better. I know I may not be so good in this but I will try my best. She is the best thing in my life.

wicked.

That adjective is clearly for me.

I am so wicked that I could find others fault on and on.

But not to praise myself, I am a just person.

I found my mistakes too. On and on.


But I do care of what other said. About me, about her, about him, about every single freaking things in the world.

Maybe I am just a wicked lost teenage girl.

Another thing,


Maybe I am.


Au Revoir.


xoxoxo

the thing about love

I stop myself from typing the thing about my love. When my love comes up, it turns into some cheesy ballad.

Anyway,
Cyber world, I am undergoing something.
More like symptoms.
Most says it is love symptoms.
But,
Cyber world, I am too afraid to say so.
Afraid of fading.
Afraid of losing.
In addition,
Cyber world, I don't care about the pain.
I am not an S&M addict,
I just find pain developing.
To sum up,
Cyber wrold, if you ask me if I am in love,
I may punch you in the face,
for the fruit of my unknowing.


So cyber world, see you when I get a boyfriend.





Just joking, it would be centuries from now.

*knockingthewood*

damn numbers!

Turns out that...Damn...

My scores are so bad that I could even hide under the bed and cover my ears so I won't see the number or hear the pronunciation of them.

Cursed numbers.

Just kidding.

I am not one of those uneducated hopeless brat.

I got bad scores and it's all my fault. Here I am to be responsible for it. Studying my ass off to get it high and as Obama would say, YES WE CAN. Only Sisca said, YES I CAN.

Not so important. Well, it is important actually.

Ah. What am I rambling around here?

Who cares if I ramble? It's my blog, my page. Don't like, then back off. Besides, nobody knows me. Ha.


Dear numbers, beware. I will kidnap number 1 and two 0.
xoxoxo

The Power of Nam

Random movie time, I chose this popular Thailand movie that is very interesting. Not only for the players' talent and looks but also for the story and the moral behind it.

The heroine's name is , Nam. She admires and loves her senior, Shone so much. She was very ugly, dumb and has a very low self-esteem.

Shone, in the other hand, is the most handsome and popular boy in the school who is very good in sports and photography.

To be recognized by Shone, she changed herself from ugly duckling into swan. She studied her ass off and was able to reached the top rank. From a nerd into a marching queen.

These changes weren't gained in a month or a year. It was gained in four years. And in the end, Shone rejected her.



She felt depressed but the truth is Shone has already loved her since the first time she tried to impress him. Shone even made this scrap book with Nam's pictures and his feelings for her.


However, it was too late since Nam has to left Thailand to live with her father in USA because of her achievement in school and Shone has to live in Bangkok for soccer team training.

They were able to meet again in a national television's talk show ten years since then. Both of them had succeed in their own dreams and Shone proposed marriage to her.

Her struggle is very inspiring and motivating. It is impressive how love can make a girl do so much and was able to change a lot.

This movie teaches me a lot about friendship and love.

The morals I get are :

The best needs struggle.

Love can always be the biggest motivation.

Love maybe painful, wicked and destructive but when it comes to the right person, the world seems so beautiful and colorful.

No pain, no gain.

Keep trying and you'll see in the end.

True friends will always be there for you.

Friends are those you must keep close.

I am using The Power of Nam right now.

Try it on and you'll see how it is affecting you.

Watch it on YouTube. Crazy Little Thing Called Love.

Enjoy The Power of Nam.

the thing about thought

I am sixteen now. A pretty colorful year in someone's life as it was said and I felt. This year, I began to realize thousands of changes in me. One of them is advanced thought.

I think further. Skeptical about everything. Gathering as much information as I can. Disbelieving a belief. Questioning truthfulness. Moving hearts too quick. Falling in love foolishly.

In a time, it is truly obvious I am way beyond the others. As if I am in the Star Wars and they are with Chuck Norris or riding in Clint Eastwood's car. Seriously.

However, there are times where I feel like this is not me and this is too stupid.

Too rare, I know.

But this is the strange thought of my busy head with all jumbled neurons.

Sometimes a thought of being different than the other or being ill flashed in my head. Maybe I am.

There's a necessity in me to become an exception.

There's a necessity in me to succeed.

There's a necessity in me to be loved.

There's a necessity in me to speak up.

You see, teenagers have to speak up but this things are considered as sassing which is not. Some experts say the problem is located in our tone. We are this fiery. We have this necessity to be true to be acknowledge correct.

There are far more complicated changes.

The most annoying, irritating, escalating, joyful, intelligent and foolish is the THOUGHT.

I, Sisca Spencer Hoky, am writing this not with the aim of disrespect or disdain but to fully declare and ask of acknowledgment.